Hi. My name is Christina.
Why I feel as though I need to start with that, well I have no clue.
For the past week I have actually been on the edge of writing (typing, blogging, sharing, releasing, informing, sighing). I’ve been hesitant. Scared? Nervous? Not sure what to say?
There is plenty to say though, but have been keeping things tapped down. So I feel as though I am making popcorn, and the popcorn is flowing over. I can’t control the crazy inside. I have to share. I’ve always shared.
ALWAYS shared. Though it may take awhile, I always come around from wherever I have been. You actually can read through 7 YEARS of my life here on my blog. Though I have had a couple different blog names, its always been the same person, I have just evolved, grown older, gone crazy, loved differently, experienced the world, changed writing styles…. If you want you can dig back, WAY back, I’ve always been here.
I’ve had someone recently say to me, “With everything going on, I didn’t think to stop and ask how YOU were doing.”
Not until I processed the question, did I really stop and think “Christina, how ARE you doing? Truthfully… Don’t lie to yourself, cause you kinda can’t”.
I don’t know how I am doing half the time. I am getting through day by day. Focusing on the positive, getting in a groove for training for Ironman Arizona, enjoying my family, worrying about Mark, making sure we all don’t get skin cancer, soaking up the amazing of JAX beach, taking in my sister (she leaves back home on Monday), laughing, loving, and being happy.
Being happy should be easy. But then I get this creep of everything else inside me, my feelings, and then it starts slowing eating away at my happy till I smack it away. That being said I really don’t know what has been happening on Facebook, or the blog world. I’ve been happy, and when confronted with the “social” world I decide that the moment that I am in with my family is more important. I don’t need to spiral downward with confusion & hurt.
There is only so much we can do with life. Though I am fixer and conformist, I am over it. Things mentally changed for me while in Boulder this summer. I broke down. Heart broke in so many ways. I shut down completely. People didn’t understand, and I didn’t want to have to explain. At the same time that I am shutting down, I am so mentally fudged up that I stopped eating going into Ironman Coeur d’Alene. For those of you who know, me not eat? Yeah, it doesn’t happen. But I don’t know what happened, I was in such a dark place. To everyone who followed along, things looked fun and great. They were fun & great, but I was crying inside, and so mentally tired of making those around me happy & conforming to the worlds needs… well I lost my shit. All inside.
I came out of Ironman Coeur d’Alene different. Hell I have yet to enjoy the grandness of my accomplishment because it just was numbed to the whirlwind inside my head. I remember about a week off the race, I acknowledged to myself that “I am different, NOW”.
Going into IMCDA I was hungry, but couldn’t eat. We all know I need to eat. So I thought I would fail. That my body would break down. My biggest foe in my physical world (my stomach and the havoc it causes) was playing a mental mind f*ck with me. People were losing their shit around me, I was sobbing inside, body was in the negative. But once my feet hit the waters of Lake CdA, ALL THE OTHER SHIT THAT NORMALLY OWNS ME, well it DIDNT MEAN A DAMN thing. It had no control over my day. I wouldn’t let it. In the end I was mentally stronger. I had waited so long to be there.
Last year my strength Coach messaged me before Rev3 Cedar Point, and said “You’ve earn the right to toe that line”. But not until a year later, sealing on my goggles for my first IRONMAN, and watching people in front of me dive in like penguins did I say “yes, right now, TODAY, right here, I DESERVE to be here. F**k them all cause this is about to be AWESOME”.
I enjoyed every damn minute of that race. Even when I was nearly passing out in the end. I loved it all …
Wait, thats a lie, WALKING SUCKS ASS. But I was HAPPY the entire race. Nothing that had happened the weeks leading in bothered me. Heck! I didn’t even remember that I even had a life other than what was happening THAT day. So once I was home, and I realized that I can do an IRONMAN with my little world collapsing in on me, well hell…. I am STRONG. I can do ANYTHING. YOU do not define me. I will NOT conform.
So yeah, shit has been different since IMCDA. Hate me, love me, don’t give a shit, I really don’t care. All I know is I am living my life. A positive life. A life with my family. The normal crazy training for an Ironman life and I am loving every minute of it.
Again, HI. This is me. This is what happened. “Its not YOU, its ME”
P.S I just read Vicki my blog post, and asked what she thought. Her reply? “Christina’s back”.
Your right Vic, I think I am.