Seeing the world through earplugs…

UntitledI’m just not in a happy place.

What can I do for you? Honestly, nothing. You could offer me the world, and it just doesn’t interest me. *twirl hair*

The kids fight back with everything I say. A simple “Please go to your room”, is followed up with SOMETHING. Please? Why not the first time? But right now I don’t care. Stomp all over me. I just don’t give a shit. Just want peace.

My face is numb, and I feel as though I have earplugs in, and I am SEEING the world through earplugs. Does that make sense?*twirl hair*

I am desperate for an email (from Mark). This isn’t a real deployment and it makes me sick. How am I gonna do 9 months? (Right now the strong Christina is screaming up at myself “YOU love being by yourself! Shut up! You say this now, but once you let me out you will be fine!”). I’d still like an email. I’d be happy with one word.

Untitled

I wanted to cry watching the cartoon Pound Puppies this morning, I should have known THEN that something was going on.*twirl hair*

Do you need to eat? Nah, food has no taste right now. I get up to go to the bathroom and nearly faint washing my hands. Maybe I should eat.

This food sucks. Kids demand more food though they have ate, and I haven’t yet. May I eat first? When will your gratitude and or understand that you are being a little shit kick in? (Seriously people at what age, and don’t tell me it gets worse as they grow older).

Damnit I need the treadmill. I’ll never get these runs in. They (the kids) just don’t want me to run. I’m a failure at this. Can I jenga it in? No. Just do it tomorrow. *twirl hair* *twirl hair*

Untitled“Mama, are you ok? I love you”… I know baby, mama just needs to sit down, here cuddle with me. Cuddles for a moment then leaves to body slam brother, crying is involved, they aren’t running to me, they will be fine, someones laughing, they’re fine.

I should be doing something right now, I cant remember. *twirl hair*

Damn she needs help. No I just need a damn moment.

Sometimes life catches up. When you are physically & mentally exhausted from the constant grind. I feel as though my mind is going a million miles a minute. At all times my priority is the kids. Especially with Mark gone. This is a one man show. A one man show running all this. Keeping kids happy, morale up for a husband on a ship, and to keep myself level.

Can you help? No. Wait, yes. Realize that this isn’t always me, but sometimes it is. At moments like this, I need to ride it out. I’ll be back.

To those that understand ALL THAT that just happened up there, thank you.

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