I think I have blogged once on how I don’t believe in good-byes. To me a good-bye is permanent. I will always see someone again, either in person or online, so why should I say goodbye? Egh, I don’t like it. Its one of those weird things about me (like how I am not a fan of hugs), don’t ever tell me goodbye. Even if you say it just because you’re used to it, just know the first thought into my mind is “Why did they say goodbye? Do they plan on crossing over? Now I’m going to be twitching the rest of the day… dammit.” <— Seriously, its what I think.
Closest parting you get from me is a “Bye” or “Ciao”. If for some reason I do say “good bye” I regret it immediately and start freaking out inside, the same freaking out I get if I forget to hold my breathe or cross my fingers when driving by a cemetery, I kinda feel jinxed. I also don’t wash my bike shoes <— Totally gross, I know, but for some reason I cant do it. I have promised Mark, with the next pair I have, I WILL wash (while standing over the washing machine twitching and thinking something isn’t right with the world).
So with parting with Mark for awhile, it was a “See you later.” and a “You better answer my emails or I’m kicking your ass, Mark Hebert!!!!“. I get a kiss on the forehead, his little woman-why-are-you-so-crazy-? smile, and a smelly hug (he already reeks of the ship, does anyone else know the “ship” smell? Its terrible).
I spent the rest of the day numb. Not sad or glad, but numb. I went through the motions. Not until I was home with the kids, getting homework done and preparing dinner did I snap out of it and say to myself “Christina, be in THIS moment“.
“Be in this moment”, that could be a quote for my year.
I’ve said it during times I’ve been in family situations and even outings with Lisa, when we are with the kids and I should be having fun, living life.
I said it coming out of the swim at Ironman Couer D’Alene. I had looked down at my watch, thrilled with my time, then looked up to see the swim finish and spectators. I knew that it was going to be a long day and I wanted to remember all of it. The people, my wetsuit stripper, the cold ass ground, the crazy lady staring at me as she wondered where I was going to shove a bag of 20 fig newtons before I headed out on to the bike.
I said it in the parking lot of Tropical Smoothie here in Jax Beach. Mark and I had been fighting/disagreeing non-stop all summer. He was falling apart, so was I. A friend told me I needed to “take the ball in your court“. I remember hanging up the phone and saying “Be in this moment, what and how do I fix this”. Right there in the parking lot I sent an email to Mark and we fixed things.
I’ve said it during 100 mile bike rides. When the pain kicks in, and you are achy, covered in sweat, just sitting up in the saddle, hands on hips, staring up at the ceiling, kids screaming in the background, “Be in this moment, Chris. Embrace the pain, this is the best part. If you cant do this you cant do Ironman. Be better.”
I’ve said it during trips to the beach with Mark and the kids. The water is perfect, my family is together, take a deep breath, “Be in this moment”.
I said it at Chattajack (Standup Paddle race) about 27 miles deep. I was falling apart. We had been on the water over 7 hours (?) paddling non-stop. I could feel everything in my body shutting down. My feet, legs, core, shoulders. They just didn’t have anything left. I looked down and stared at the tip of my board, tears filled in my eyes. I wanted to cry because I was at a moment where you define yourself, not ever did I think of giving up. “Be in this moment. Stroke by stroke. You cant feel anything else but the water… No fuck that, the water is heavy. Smooth. Smooth. Smooth”. I think I lost hearing completely. I was emerged into every stroke. It happened a couple of times, then I would just start laughing, madness laughing, I would then either turn to look behind or beside me and want to beat Joe with my paddle (just cause he was there and my shoulders were burning, someone else should be in pain, he was though, we both were). Hardest thing I’ve EVER done.
I said it COUNTLESS times at Ironman Arizona. “Be in the moment… Look! Theres a cactus!”. I was 100% in every moment of that race. Every pedal stroke. EVERY step of that run. I never looked behind me, and or more than a mile in front. “Get through this moment”. I didn’t even look once at my overall time on my watch. It didn’t matter. Whatever happened a minute ago did not play into what I was doing at the moment. Also I couldn’t get to the next mile if I wasn’t 100% in the mile I was currently in.
In the end I can not think of good byes or even see you laters. My priority in life is to live and embrace the moment. No sadness to him leaving, and no anxiously awaiting his return. We both have lives to live.
Be in THIS moment. In all things.