The next day (today) I wake up, take kids to school, come home, go back to bed just to look for headphones, and end up waking up 2 hours later.
Ill take this as a sign of being a little on the sick side (no shit, right?). Though the title of this post is “wearing yourself thin”, I am not really applying it to currently being sick, but Ive had the time all day today and last night (plus a random Steve Harvey Video) to think of times I have worn myself thin.
I want to say almost the better part of 2014 (look at that, me being all past tense with ’14 already) I was pretty stripped thin, mentally, Hell even literally, I was so stressed out/hurt I couldn’t eat, I would sit there shoving food down only because I knew I needed to eat, but not because I was hungry.
Just thin (mentally). As I sit here I shake my head. I was busy and wanting so many things I feel as though I was so watered down. So diluted, that I wasn’t even strong enough to really put forth a good effort in not the things I could physically do, but mentally.
I am a squirrel. Im ALL over the place. I wanted to do so many things, experience so many things, say so many things, all with some how giving back, because who we are (at least I think this) is based off experiences that we go through, that not only WE can provide, but what others give us (purposely or not).
I lost myself, and I say that knowing that I never had a chance to completely be MYSELF.
The hubs had been gone since January, on and off, and then permanently in Virginia, with the kids and I staying behind in Mississippi. No prob, right? I am a military wife. I can totally deal with deployments. The difference is HE WASNT deployed. We lived 2 different lives. Not because we wanted to but because thats just the cards dealt to us via the Navy and we weren’t just going to uproot the kids from school.
It was different. We did different things. We didn’t have much to talk about. I think thats one of the many factors of how I wore myself thin. Our partners in life are the to “refill” us, keep us stable, bring us back to earth, makes us THINK about everything. Well at least thats what the hubs does for me… I kinda need that, and was missing that..
Throw in training for an Ironman, it got worse.
I won’t say I wasn’t happy, because I was. I did cool shit. Had plenty of laughs. Experienced new places and people, but really didn’t get to be ME to my fullest. Almost felt like I couldn’t be me, whats sad is that I had felt that way for a long time, it just got worse though. Either who I am wasn’t good enough, or it was too much and needed to be tapped down. Who am I?
Im a pleaser and I want to say maybe a bit of a pushover (lets say passive aggressive, but instead of bottling it up and being mean, I bottle it up and let it weigh me down). Its probably the biggest reason I fell apart mid summer.
My dad (passive aggressive quiet man) used to say “You can only fuck with me too long before you get fucked with”, he would say that in the scariest way, nodding his head and pointing his finger at us. Scared the shit out of me. Now I am not saying that I lashed out, but what I am saying is that I completely flipping broke. Mentally hit rock bottom.
No one fucking cared. Everyone was too busy thinking about themselves, or how mad they were with me (for what? I don’t know, sometimes you wanna be mad or hold grudges, and thats totally ok, shit happens) or thinking they knew what I was thinking (which no one has a damn clue). They THOUGHT they cared, but they didn’t, and thats what hurt the most.
I wasn’t “trying” hard enough, I wasn’t “saying” what they want to hear. I felt like I was drowning, and not only gasping for air, but having all who I loved most just watching me drown. Crying under water hurts. It burns. Best way to say what I did was let my self sink to the bottom.
Now I did try. I just didn’t give up. I tried standing my ground. I was (and still am) truthful to myself. But then you realize, its not good enough for some people.
At your lowest moment, though YOU didn’t put yourself there, wait… More like you let OTHERS put yourself there (but in the end you still let YOU put yourself there), you either die, or you learn some shit. This was when I was at my thinnest, so thin you could cut right through me with a butter knife…. But then…
I woke up. I ate some food. I just came off an Ironman, I am physically strong. “Christina, you are capable of anything you put your mind to. If you want something bad enough, you will make it happen” <—-(thats what my Mom used to tell me).
Then I pretty much said “fuck you” to the world. I accepted the blame where I DID go wrong and stood my ground for the things I DIDNT didn’t do. I retorted to demands placed on me, back with more demands and an ultimatum. Also wouldn’t let anyones bullshit sink in. “Like whatever dude”.
I slowly brought my inner self up to 85%. I thought and thought, then re-thought some more on the decisions that I was making and the pros vs. cons. A lot of thinking to MYSELF was done. Because (this is going to sound bad) I trust only MYSELF to get myself anywhere.
I then re-thought ME and how I will be perceived by others. You will get ME. I am sorry if you don’t like it, I truly am. At the same time, thats OK. We all aren’t meant to like each other. I am sure I will piss some people off. Or people will have a misconception of me that will put me in not the greatest light. But I promise you that this is ME.
Yeah, I’ve been a little selfish, but only in self perseverance. But I lay out my eccentricities initially and you have the option of dealing with my shit or not.
Does this all sound harsh? Or just the truth? The truth can be taken harsh though.
In the end, I love everyone and everything. I learned a lot when I was worn thin. I guess being able to see through myself helped me find the “real” me.
Im a little outspoken (hell I have a blog and probably share too much).
I seem to always have something to say (I’m not comfortable with silence).
I am sarcastic (Yeah, I need to work on that).
I have a weird smile.
I am NOT pretty in person (I was once told I was overly animated, hence making me unattractive. Pshh, I love animation, who DOESNT like cartoons?).
I’m ALL over the place (just let me be).
I dont smile ALL the time (wrinkles people, I don’t want to get old too earlier, plus thats my thinking face).
I stumble over words in person (I think faster than I can talk, and I talk pretty fast).
I (now) selfishly think of myself a lot. I guess its that, “How can you love others if you cant love yourself?”.
A lot of other things happened when I decided to stand up for myself and be me. I re-evalutated who I let into my life. I dug into my dreams, and am now venturing further out into the endurance world. I am loving MORE. Putting more effort into friendships that are positive. Living truly in the NOW, making the best of THIS (whatever it happens to be). <—- All those things I am LEARNING and have not perfected. They won’t ever be perfect and I am ok with that. But narrowing things down has helped tremendously. You have to start small and build.
Now don’t think I completely “found” myself. I almost don’t think that exists, but I LEARNED more about myself and what I am capable of. Am I completely happy? No. Hell no. Who has complete happiness? Oh YOU do? Shutup <— insert grumpy cat face.
HA! What triggered this post was a depressing ass email to Mark. Though I have learned a lot, I am still working on the happiness portion. Thing is I am still alone, and though I stand up and promote being independent, I am still a penguin and miss my mate.
Purpose of the post? This is MY blog. I had shit to say, and a reminder that we all are worn thin. So thin we do break, but its ALL a learning experience. Take shitty situations into your control and LEARN. Its OK. Those who love you will understand. If they don’t, well then they have their head stuck so far up their ass they only want to see themselves (because thats what you would see if you literally had your head stuck up your ass).
This is the real world people. Shit happens. AND people DO care, you just need to look in the right places, even if that means looking inside yourself.
Oh, and its ok to be selfish.