Um, yes and no. I really don’t get nervous till AFTER the fact. Like…
“Did I say too much?”
“What if they take it the wrong way?”
“Who the hell do you think you are posting shit like that?”
“Everyone knows inside of you now”
“You just shared too much.”
“You’ve shown your weakness.”
“People will hate your honesty.”
So yeah, I DO get nervous. Then I remember that this is MY space, and YOU (the reader) have decided to read it and base your own opinions. You may read it wrong, or completely disagree, but we are all different.
There are plenty of times I will be driving and give my self a panic attack thinking that people know too much of me. I think of EVERYONE (people I don’t even know) reading into my life. Its a scary feeling.
What calms me though, is the fact that I know I am being true to myself, by openly being truthful with the crazy I live. Also getting random messages from readers (people I don’t even know), thanking me for a post. It lets me know that maybe I doing the right thing. Maybe I cant change the world on a LARGE scale, but somehow, I let someone else know that they aren’t alone, or maybe I made them laugh. Those things make me so very happy.
Another scary/awkward moment is when I am talking to a random friend and they will quote something I wrote, or bring up something I would TYPE but would never say… That has happened plenty of times where I stare at them thinking “OMG, how do they know that.”, they must see the slight terror on my face because its usually followed with “I was reading your blog…” <— Phew! Thought I was going crazy or you’re a mind reader. Geez, I cant believe I put that up for the world to see.
The times I meet people that have been reading my posts on and off for years are the coolest people I meet. They are usually people I have been following for quite some time as well, and we have this instant connection once we realize who each other are…
Then there are people that are so close to me and I don’t even know them, but they have read 8 years back on my blog and know my soul. Totally creepy and awesome. Insert panic attack though as I try and think of all the crazy shit, and layers of Christina they have seen. But they seem to be smiling, so I am going to guess they have accepted me. Thank you. You are creepy and make my heart happy. <— Not gonna lie, I have creeped back on PLENTY of bloggers. They are my bestfriend/soul mate and don’t even know it yet. <—- Insert creepy face.
A lot of what I say here, I have a hard time saying out loud. Or maybe I don’t have, or more like, I have a hard time speaking EVERYTHING that I convey here. Then sometimes, I write to remind everyone that this is ME. This is me DIRECTLY. Not what you hear from someone else. I am a very good person to come directly to the source to.
I feel like this line from the movie The Birdcage (all time favorite movie). Robin Williams character just got into a fight with his son who wanted to hide the fact that he is gay (and runs a drag cub with his lover, who happens to be the star <– You totally need to see the movie) in front of his fiancee parents. It took a long time for Robins character to find out who he was, and he wasn’t going to throw it away for some senator …
Thats kinda how I feel when questioned why I am who I am and choose to display it. It has taken a long time to get here, and I am still working on “here”… So f*ck the senator.