You know, there are times that I like rolling around on this bed of honesty (this blog) <– Bed of honesty, I totally just made that up . Seriously though, this (bed of honesty/blog) right here is my journal.
Thursday I had a bad day. More like a DARK day. It was over for me. Not in a suicidal way, but I really thought I had maxed out. I suck at everything. I don’t do enough for my kids. Why is there so much shit that needs to be done? I am failing at life, my family, and whoever it is who I want to be when I grow up (yeah, Im flipping Peter Pan, and have NOT grown up yet. Remember, Christina doesn’t get old).
Ahhh…. Ahhh…. Now as I calmly look back, there really wasn’t much to freak out about. Its the accumulation of things that all of a sudden smack you in the face on a bad day that can send you down a deep deep deep hole.
There was the semi-sane person in my head that tried to keep me calm, “Calm down Chris, your going to give yourself a heart attack. Lets avoid a panic/anxiety attack” <– Thing is, I was already having one. Not an intense fall on the floor, while grabbing your throat and crying to your mom on the phone panic attack… But a nice prolonged one. Anxiety Attack SR (slow release).
Scary part is that you don’t outwardly see all this. It stays bottled up inside. I still go through the routine of life, taking care of kids, running errands, but inside I am clenching my teeth and holding on for dear life. I did have tears that fell down while driving.
Tears of hope lost and disappointment in myself for not being able to pull through. “You’re stronger, this will be over…. No, you’re done. Just fall over and admit to the world you cant do these things… All you need to do is workout, get back into a routine… Why are still even trying to do triathlons? Do you have something to prove? No one cares. You don’t care…” <—– Do you see this scary/crazy?
Once tears come, well that normally triggers a full on anxiety attack. Recently Lisa did a post on having an anxiety attack. To me, the key thing in the post is having the fear of dying. Now of course we don’t die and don’t want to die, but your body takes you to a place where hope is gone and you think its the end. Along with the mental bat shit crazy thoughts that go through your head, I want to take you to what it feels like…
Imagine yourself laying down. Now I am going to place about 200 lbs of cement on your chest, you feel that pressure? That right there is the first part, you all of a sudden let your stresses gain weight and they start taking your breath away. As you lay there having a hard time breathing, imagine someone coming up to you and choking you. Yep, maybe think of an evil twin looking you straight into the eyes and choking you, with eyes that don’t give a shit and want you to give up. There is no calling out for help (you cant breathe), oh and don’t think of using your arms to help lift the pressure off your chest (you’re way to depressed to even move). Add more pressure, and the strangling gets tighter, you’re running out of air, the world hates you, oh and you are going to die. Ever have those dreams of dying? Or you are about to die? Like you car flys off a cliff, or a zombie is going to eat your brain out, and in that dream you have that one split second of thinking “shit I am going to die”. That is how you feel, but you aren’t in a damn dream, its REAL LIFE.
Gosh it makes me sick to admit all that. *Shrug* Its life though. We/I bounce back. Some people unfortunately don’t.
Yesterday there was a post floating around my Facebook feed ’11 Habits of People with Concealed Depression’. Its a good post. To me though, only people with depression will…
2. Share It <— We share it for OTHERS who don’t experience these problems to be AWARE of the problems. But those people will probably scan right over it. But then there are the people who are dealing with depression that read it and think “Phew, at least EVERYONE else like me feels this way. I am not alone.” <— That right there is why I talk about my batshit crazy mind (I hate the word ‘depression’, may I use batshit crazy? Egh, that sounds too crazy. Ill just stick to MY crazy”).
Along with the post, there was a comment about feeling narcissistic when talking about your own personal depression (don’t take it serious or personal, it just made me think of things). The comment left me questioning myself “Am I narcissistic?” <— Hell no. The only thing that applies to me that is part of the definition of narcissistic is being SELF ABSORBED. Yep, I am. Self absorbed with my mental health, because in the end it will project into my family. I share because… well… writing is my form of therapy. Also my very first post EVER on depression gave a lot of feedback, and not feedback of “Im here for you” (there was that) but MOSTLY emails/texts/messages that whispered “me too”.
Since my first post I have been open in sharing. Someone has to be. SOMEONE has to be. In the end I really don’t care what the MAJORITY thinks, my own mind hurts me enough, so I can take a couple of hits off my own personal armor from the people who want to be mean or nasty.
I get so lost on purpose of posts… I just wanted to talk…
Shit happens. You’re not alone. You WILL bounce back. You WILL accomplish great things.
Oh, and note: Ill be the first to admit, I STRONGLY DISLIKE blogs about depression. I won’t read them. NOPE. I’ve tried, and have come out feeling MORE depressed. So totally understand those that done like to read about it… But sometimes once you read through someones bad day, and you see that THEY came through, well that gives you a bit of hope 🙂