Some blurry photos, long phone call with Mark, Wasatch seasonal pumpkin beer and the Eagles vs Falcons game. Its my Monday. Though I’d rather be home (where ever that is) with my little ones, an exploded bag of cheetos sprinkled all over my favorite rug (who keeps buying these?!), with my little Chloe chilling on a pillow while feeding herself carrots & hummus (midst the cheetos mess), some super hero movie playing in the background, a near miss of a nerf bullet to my face, “Sorry Mom!” and some beef stew in the slow cooker filling up my home with the glorious smell of comfort.
But maybe I kinda HAVE disappeared. Hell I did. I liked it. It was freeing. Who says I have to be strapped to social media? Actually, who dictates my life? I think I was at a point in which I let too many outside factors guide me to somewhere I didn’t want to be. Though I know I have forever been an advocate on “You do YOU”, I don’t think I was completely grasping that myself. Yeah I could physically do amazing things, who cares? There came a point on which I could honestly say “Yeah, I can do that, why not? Who says I can’t?” to almost anything physical that interested me. Yeah, I can do an Ironman. Yeah, I can paddle. Yeah, I can run. To me there wasn’t anything special to it anymore if there wasn’t a challenge in the way of it.
Does that make sense?
The challenge for me last year completing the races I did was doing them as a single parent. Though officially not a single parent (husband deployed, I was well taken care of), I still had to manage my time. Manage children. A home. No one beside me pushing me along. I did have amazing friends and family cheering me on, thank you. At the time, THAT was the challenge. But I did it. Its possible. Anything is possible. Hell, the have MORE challenges in the way of your goal, and you conquer them? Psshh, *fist bump*, I’m impressed. Anyone can do an Ironman, run a marathon, swim a mile… But to do that while jumping hurtles, impressive. But how did I end up in Utah?
Great question. There was a job offer. I knew nothing about it. All I know was that there was going to be a lot of clean up. A challenge. Bring it. Of course I didn’t just run away, I talked with the hubs, we went over the pros & cons, the money was right, why not take this opportunity? So within a week I packed up everything I needed, closed up the house, and moved to a new world.
Kids ended up in Houston with grandparents, and I came into a mess of a situation at work. But I can do anything right? But just like with training, you want to have the proper foundation so you build on a strong base, but my base wasn’t strong, I ran around with with big ass rule book of Federal Motor Carrier Safety Administration regulations, while shuffling through files, in which I would get through, learn something new, then have to re-do everything I did. It was good though. Its actually been great.
I’ve kinda been a stay-at-home mom for 8 years. Yeah, I’ve coached, sold scentsy, sold dildos, and maybe a few protein shakes, what my full time job was being a mom and supporting my NAVY husband through 6 different duty stations (Jacksonville, FL; Yokosuka, Japan; Bremerton, WA; Monterey, CA; Gulfport, MS; and then back to Jacksonville, FL).
“My career is first and foremost the most important thing”, husbands words. I lived by them. He was right, he provided. I could never have enough education, or make enough money for whatever I did to be taken important when it came to his career. Nothing could get in the way. I was ok with that. The supporting Navy wife. But it came down to, I was just running myself in circles, not knowing what to do, wanting to DO something, but knowing whatever I wanted to do wasn’t important enough, but its what I signed up for right?
My moving here has opened a can of worms in my life. Most importantly my married life. Mark completely supporting of my being here. If you know Mark, you know he is quite the financial nazi, so an opportunity for me to make enough money to make a difference? Well, if he was home at the time he would have probably dropped kicked my ass out the door. I say that jokingly, but again, if you know Mark…
I changed. My life changed. The way Mark had to look at me was a change. Yeah, I had to be taken serious. I was no longer in a position in which I had to turn to my husband for every decision. The decisions were mine. I supported/support myself completely. The last person that had a grip on what I was allowed to do… Well he didn’t have a grip anymore. This here was kinda a big deal. Im kinda an equal now. This has been a big deal to me. I think that only people who know what its like to support your husband, and just be mom, with no real funds of your own, then to have an opportunity to be in charge, not just “mom in charge” but really in charge… Its life changing. I don’t care what you say. This has been a big HAPPY deal to me.
Same time, it made me step back from a lot of things. I was content. The kids came in for the summer. I had my happy little piece of Utah. Though Mark was missing to make the family complete, I did take a step to re-evaluate where I wanted my life to go. I don’t have to move if I don’t want to. Hell I just nearly bought a damn house, ON MY OWN. I of course had a panic attack, refused to sign the final papers for the lender, and pulled out of my first home purchase. All on my accord though. AND I was going through an DOT audit at work, and if you have been through a home purchase the lender portion of a home purchase, well it can drive you to a nervous break down “NO I WILL NOT GET THAT PAPER FOR YOU RIGHT NOW? WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME AT 5PM?!”. Hell, the home process was becoming so stressful (along with work, and shit happening with Mark), I had to run out to the parking lot and ask myself “Is this stress needed? Is this making YOU happy? Do you NEED to do this? Are they FORCING you to do this?”. I was squatting in the parking lot, tears in my eyes, hands in my hair, looking like a crackhead hovered next to a random rock. Then boom. I don’t need to do anything I don’t want to. I’ve never had so many people call me so quickly after I emailed my realtor that I no longer wanted to purchase the home. It got to a point in which I felt like I was standing there with something sharp screaming at people to stay away, and having them with their hands up saying “Calm down, are you ok?” and still me screaming “Im totally fucking ok, don’t come any closer or Ill cut you!!”. Honestly, I had to pawn off all the phone calls to my friend, “Just tell them no. She’s done. Send the paperwork”.
Anyways, that was the time I nearly bought a house with a foundation.
But yeah, things have happened. Things are happening. Things for a whole other post though. But this is me. This is me happy and tired, and only tired because of a long day of work and the fact its past 9pm and kinda my bed time. I’m in the real world now. Big girl. *Fist bump*