30: I don’t know whats happening…

Untitled

“I want to see beautiful things.”
That was my answer to my husband when we first got married when he asked me what I wanted most out of life. It wasn’t the answer he was hoping for I know. His heart would have been filled with joy to hear “I want to finish my degree, get my masters, then be a career woman. Work full time making us much as you, so we can save all our money, so when our bodies are old and NOT weathered tough with life, we can do whatever old people do with all their money…”.

Not that I didn’t want to contribute, but when I thought of life and the vastness of it, well, I wanted to see beauty. Experience the world. I want to blame my want for the wonders of the world to my collection of National Geographic magazines. I think everyone has, at one point in life, wanted to become adventurers all because of  that school bus yellow magazine.

Hell did you know that my first (and still) major was Anthropology? Yep, the study of human kind and why we do what we do. Though at times I am not outwardly the best with people, I do try and take the time to understand someone. Its taken time over the years of course, to not just outwardly judge someone or categorize them to a certain social class. We are all so different, and … Well when I meet you, inside I am thinking what it would be like to walk in your shoes. Thats the best way to understand someone, because a once encounter, someones opinion, a random photo DOES NOT define a person. Think of people you know that you follow on Facebook, you see ONE person, you assume things, you pick apart comments from others, you gossip… In the end no one knows WHO that person is. You don’t know THEIR story.

Untitled

My story as of late. Well I haven’t said anything because I haven’t known what was happening in my life. Only thing I was sure of since Mark left on deployment was WORK and WAIT. Of course a world of shit happened in between, but honestly that was my answer to the FEW people who asked what the hell was happening.

Mostly people wanted to make sure I wasn’t locked up in some psychiatric ward some where. Thanks friends, lol. Truly though, thank you.

Its been a confusing time… Only because, well a lot of HONESTY was laid out. In the past year I have grown so much. I feel stronger mentally (little soft on the outside right now). I’ve grown INTO myself. I FOUND myself. Hell I am not 19 anymore, I just turned 30 on Monday, and though I would like to say I still feel like I am 21, I feel 30 years old.Untitled

Back to understanding people…I don’t want to say I have let people walk on top of me, but I have let A LOT slide because well, I was accepting of people, whether they were positive or negative. I accepted how they were and dealt with it. <— Which is a terrible way to go about life. “Oh he/she is a total dick/bitch. Thats the way they are, leave em be”. Yeah, thats totally OK in accepting someone, but it doesn’t mean that someones negative personality should belittle you in any way. I’m pretty tough, and I really don’t give a shit on what you say, because normally when someone is negative I feel sorry for that person being so unhappy, but things do ADD up, and in a moment of weakness you let all of those things come crashing down on you and you break.

I did break. But somehow in the midst of it, I climbed out from under neath all the things that were mounting up, and used them as steps to propel myself forward. So when I got to the top it was “Um, no, fuck you my friend”.

Most affected with my straight forwardness was Mark. Untitled

Mark and I both put a lot on the line. A LOT. Boom, so much was laid out that I have let build up over the years. I remember talking to him and going back in time thinking of the things that hurt, and remembering how it felt, holy hell killed me. I let so much be because I thought that it was just supposed to be that way. Mark did have his say as well, most of the negative came out the previous summer, and it took a deployment and realizing he could lose me to take a step back from his negative thinking to see how it really affected me.

Hell, took me an entire deployment to really look at things myself and see how the puzzle pieces connected, but not in a positive way.

Anyways, I stood up. I’ve said no. We even came to the conclusion of divorce. We both live different lives. I am different. Mark came home and he was surprised because he didn’t come home to the Christina he once knew. He was cautious… He still is. I honestly thought we didn’t have what it took to fix things in a long distance relationship because he is still stationed in Jacksonville and I am in Utah. We agreed on terms.

Then it got bad. Real bad. At the same time though we both hit walls and realized that this isn’t what we want. It hurts. We were purposely putting ourselves through pain for no reason. We both still loved each other, and most important we wanted to be a  “family”. Having your family not with you is like breathing at high altitude. It hurts, and you know something is missing constantly (air/family). Yeah, you can still function, but everything is just a little harder…

Untitled

We are at the point now in which we are working on things. Life seems relatively normal, though I am still in Salt Lake and NOT with my family. I would love to give more details, and say so much more is happening. But its as simple and straight forward as I have just put it.

Next step? Ha, “I don’t know whats happening”. All I know is that I have my family. Not an ideal situation but we are pushing through. As most military families know, we are awaiting the news of Marks next duty station. We can’t look any further than the beginning of the year because who knows where Mark will be stationed next? Will the kids come stay with me? Geo bachelor? Mississippi? Over seas? Washington, D.C? Do I stay or do I go?Untitled

Monday was my birthday. Monday night I received messages from 2 of my best friends. I better have heard from at least one of them… Anyways, my Dear Susan who I have not been able to update on my life texted me, and I was slammed with “why have you been hiding?”. I haven’t been hiding, I just haven’t had anything to say because I didn’t know what was happening. I feel now that I have a grasp on where my life is I can use that to pull me slowly back into the real world. Slowly… I am kinda busy and do have a job…

Next question from Lovely Susan in which I was kinda shocked to be asked, “Are you lonely?”. Of course I am. Like I said, not having my family is like breathing at VERY high altitude. Its extremely hard. I have moments in which I want to throw all the papers on my desk up in the air and say “FUCK THIS!”, but in the end I would just be picking up the papers after I got a little freak out, out of my system. I wish I could be coming home to my kids every night. Helping Mark, though at the same time I want him to see what its like to be a single parent, shit isn’t all magically easy is it? Oh, and yes, I do want to wring HIS neck when he is breaking down on the phone because things are hard alone and he has only been alone for 2 weeks with the kids…. Suck it up butter cup and get over it.Untitled

I try and stay busy to numb the pain. Also for some reason I stay busy for the kids. Should I just mope around my apartment drinking wine to myself all night, living day to day? Been there, done that, it sucks. So I have been experiencing new things. Hopefully, in the future the kids can look back at these posts and be a little proud of me and see that no matter the obstacles you come across, you CAN embrace them and make the most of situation, no matter how shitty is it.

Back to how I first started this post… You don’t know whats happening unless you ask the source, and you won’t UNDERSTAND whats happening unless you have been walking in my shoes. Though my “shoes” are scuffed, and have a few miles on them, and they have been tried and tested, I’ve learned to stop and look around, and realize that my life has been a “beautiful thing”.

Cheesy as this sounds, my life is becoming one hell of a masterpiece, a very eccentric masterpiece… Never believed in straight lines or matching colors anyways….

**Just re-read this post… I don’t think it makes much sense, but people who know me will understand how my mind be-bops around**

Advertisements

One thought on “30: I don’t know whats happening…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s