Monthly Archives: March 2016

Its on fire.

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You know that high pitch shriek of help & pain that comes from your child? That noise that makes you jump up off the couch into an athletic position, open your eyes wider (like this will help), and turn on your sonar hearing… Its very animal like, and I guess thats where the “Mama Bear” comes from. Oh and your significant other? He is just sitting there thinking the blood curdling scream came from the Zombie show we are watching, he didn’t even flinch.

That shriek was followed up by my little Mark screaming his ass off into the living room. For some reason I decided to sit back down on the couch, but still at the edge…

“HELP ME! HELP ME! AHHHHHH!! AHHHHH!!!! ITS ON FIRE!!!”
“Mark, whats wrong?! What is on FIRE?!?” (I turn my nose up to the air and sniff… I don’t smell fire)
“MY BUTT ITS ON FIRE!! IT BURNS! ITS ON FIRE!! AHHH!!!!”

Little Mark is standing in the middle of the living room, spinning in circles, while at the same time jumping up & down shaking his body like a fish trying to swim up river, and also doing high knees. Every thing is moving….he looks just like Tina Turner dancing, but instead of it looking bad ass with a glittery dress, it looks like my 7 year old is having an exorcism in front of me.

Now I am sitting there bewildered, I am scared and want to grab him, but then at the same time am confused with the rain dance he is doing in the living room. I turn to husband for help and he has this look of “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HIM?”, and not a “whats wrong with him? Is he ok?”, no its that pissed off look a father gives his son that means “You are crazy! What am I going to do with you?”.

“MY BUTT! MY BUTT! IT HURTS!! HELP!!”
Still doing his Tina Turner exorcism, he now starts grabbing his ass and screaming louder.

By now I am just standing there with my mouth open, for what felt like forever but I know was just about 10 seconds, all of this went through my mind:
1. OMG, he has blown out his ass and has hemorrhoids. Has he been constipated?
2. He fell straight on to a piece of glass and its up his ass… What glass would be broken?
3. He stuck a lego up his ass. Kids do stupid shit right?

Please know I am thinking all of those things with COMPLETE HORROR. OMG baby, whats wrong with his ass?!?! I need to take action. I think if I move quick enough, I could kick him over, sit on him then pull down his shorts and find the lego/hemorrhoids/glass lodged in his ass.

Then it hits me as I flash back to an hour earlier when I caught him tinkering around in my bathroom. I busted through the door “WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?”, totally had to say it in a loud booming voice because whatever he was doing, he shouldn’t doing. Right away he stood up, hid something behind his back, then thought he could walk right by me “Uhhh, nothing.”. “Oh nothing? What are you hiding?!”, “Its nothing mom”. Unfortunately he doesn’t realize my strength and I spin him around and see all he has is a to-go packet of hand sanitizing wipes. “What are you doing with this?!”, “Um, I don’t know”, “What do you mean you don’t know?”, he stands there and shrugs and says “I don’t know”… I roll my eyes, I cant stand the ‘I don’t know’ crap. Not thinking much of it, I let me him leave with the sanitizing wipes only saying “Stay OUT of my bathroom!”

Back to reality, I snap my head to my husband and say “He wiped his ass with a sanitizing wipe.”

Then I stand up and shout at little Mark (who is still screaming), “DID YOU WIPE YOUR BUTT WITH THOSE WIPES?!?”, He now stopped spinning in circles, but is still doing high knees “Yes.”, “WHY??!?!”, “Because they were in the bathroom, IT BURNS!!!!”, “OF COURSE IT BURNS, THEY ARENT MEANT FOR YOUR ASS MARK!!!” … He starts spinning in circles again screaming “AHHHHHHHH!!! Then why were they in the BATHROOM?!!! AHHHHH!!! HELP IT BURNS, ITS ON FIRE!!

Now husband jumps off the couch and decides to join the conversation “Mark, get your ass up stairs and take a bath! NOW!”, “AHHH!! I NEED HELP”… Now big Mark starts to chase little Mark down the hallway, “You can make your own bath!!”, “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”, I dont know now if he is screaming because of his ass or because his dad is chasing him down the hallway.

“BABY!!!” (screaming at husband)
He stops chasing Mark, and snaps around looking at me with a furious face “WHAT?!”
“Why in the hell do you have all those sanitizing wipes up in the bathroom anyways?! Are YOU wiping your ass with sanitizing wipes?!?!”
“Jesus baby, NO! Of course not!”
“Then why are they shelf next to the toilet?!?!”
“I DONT KNOW!!!”
*No, children were harmed. Mark ended up just sitting in the bath tub with his battleships for an hour.*

“I don’t know”, I am sitting here mockingly saying that to myself…. “I don’t know”… Mens typical answer to everything…

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Are you ok with this?

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“Maybe its being married to a military man?”

Want to say that’s a question, but it was more of a statement from one of my FB pals (who actually is on my list of super-human moms). Reading that comment had me nod and say “Exactly!”.

I knowingly put Mark and myself in a vulnerable place with my last post. That post was not posted until I had Mark read over it. First off he always reads my posts and tries to fix my grammar because my words are coming to me faster than I can type. Second, I wanted him to know how I was feeling and what I was sharing. He knew that me showing him was also asking “Is sharing this too much? Are you ok with this?”, after he finished editing it he looked up at me and said “Its the truth. Its real life Chris, we are both at fault. I think people should know that this is the way it is. Am I upset about the past, and my actions? Of course, but so are you. No sense in leading people to think that things are fine, or leaving them to make up stories of their own. Share your story. Share OUR story.”

At first, I had this SUPER long post on how spoiled I am (this post still kind of is). I felt as though I had to stand up for Mark’s credibility as a husband and father. Only thing Mark is guilty of is at times being a complete asshole that lacks the emotional cue as to “maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on her”. Though Mark sucks with emotions, he excels in being a husband and father. Anyone that knows Mark, KNOWS this. No question what-so-ever.

The kids and I are spoiled. If you have read my blog posts, or we are friends in real or FB life you know I live an amazing life. I have had supporting me, a husband, who DID try to show his love, though not emotionally but in a way that made sense to him: financially.

Mark: “You have $10,000 in bikes!? Isn’t that enough for you to see I love you?”
Yeah, I could see how he was trying to show his love, but I was still left feeling a bit empty, knowing I wasn’t making HIM happy, due to my inability to “do it all”.

We as people don’t like to go into financials, but those that live in the triathlon world (or any expensive hobby) are aware of the costs, and those that aren’t, I’m sure the price of my bikes which have no motors seems ridiculous.

In all our fighting, in separating, then coming back. From being in love, to not being in love. From completely hating, to maybe not so much hating, I have never EVER once doubted Mark’s ability on being a father and care giver.

How does this tie into being a military man? Well, his actions are understandable to a point if you know what its like to be in the military. Hell Mark went a military high school, military college, he will be a lifer in the military. Straight forward and stubborn, Mark believes in getting things done. There are no options in the military. If you can’t get something done, you put your head down and figure out a different way to do it, but in the end it gets done. It’s the best and worst thing about him.

Mark reminds me of a quote from one of my favorite movies Armageddon, “Harry’ll do it. I know it. He doesn’t know how to fail.”

That’s Mark. He doesn’t accept failure, and thats why I know why he has been so hard on me. The concept of failing just doesn’t make sense to him. Does he need some sensitivity training on conveying his emotions to his wife? Absolutely.

So am I a spoiled little brat that just has her feelings hurt? You could see it that way. Still no one should make you feel like a piece of crap. Though I understand his view point, it is not ok for treating someone in a negative way.

After we read through this post…

“You know couples therapy would have probably been cheaper for us in the long run.”

He slowly turns his head to me “Now you tell me!”

The Elephant

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I am pretty sure in years past that I have talked about this elephant.

We are in a purging stage, mostly influenced by the book “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up”, and also because when I came back from living in Salt Lake City for a year, I realized that though Mark & the Kids have been here for 6 months on their own, things are EXACTLY how I left them last March. Only difference is that Mark & the Kids have just ADDED to it.

The house totally looked like a man and 2 children lived there. Not “dirty” but not clean. I mean, Mark was VERY proud that he could keep the dishes clean, but everything else, well it was too much for him. Mark being essentially a single parent for 6 months opened his eyes to the shit I actually did around the house. A bit of our marriage “issues” have stemmed from the fact that I SHOULD have done MORE, or I was a failure because I was unable to be a full time student/ Work full time/raise children full time/keep the house spotless full time/have dinner ready when he came home FULL time <— ALL THE TIME, At the same time. Mark saw other wives pulling it off, and if I “worked hard and organized my time efficiently” there was not reason as to why I couldn’t do all that.
Honestly it lead to much anxiety, confusion, depression over our 9 years of married life. He didnt understand, he saw only his way. Mark has worked very hard for everything he has accomplished, and thought that if he could have pulled off being an Naval Academy Grad, and Naval Officer, then there was no reason “if I worked hard enough” that I couldnt do it all.

Heavens, I tried so much. I truly did. Like “why cant I do this?”, “I am a failure.”, “I am stupid. Smart women can do this”, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?”, “I’m crazy right?”. It was so hard to please him, even if I pulled off everything, he came home to an awesome meal, I worked, I cleaned house… He would still find something. Like find a pile of folded clothes at the top of the staircase then stomp around LOUDLY enough for me to know that I am making him do “EVERYTHING”, and I apparently can’t do shit.

Ugh, it sucked. Honestly I can go back through the years, and remember moments in which I was scared that he would be upset with me. Mark is not abusive, he is not a screamer, but he was good at letting you know he was clearly not impressed , and “Well you got that done, but why isn’t this done?”. I think feeling that I have let someone down, is the most upsetting thing for me. Hell, even now I tell friends “Please DO NOT expect the world from me.” only because I don’t want it thrown in my face that I let them down.

Now there would be times in which he seemed to understand when I didn’t have everything done. But still, it was like he was giving me a “get out of jail free” card. Please don’t think that my marriage has COMPLETELY stemmed around this. No, we were/are happy, but there was always an elephant in the room.

Coming back to the elephant… I found this beauty at an outdoor/indoor thrift shop in Japan. It had been outside and covered in grime. It was disgusting, but I saw the unique paint decorations on it, and knew I had to have it. Paid 5 yen for it, and I carried my dirty grimy elephant home.

Mark HATED it. He did not understand or like my love for eccentric pieces. Hell, when we got married he bought me a whole new wardrobe because he didn’t like how I dressed. I thought, “Yeah, I guess I don’t need to dress like I am 16 anymore. I’ll grow up. He will like it if I wear this.”. When I first showed him the elephant, of course he was not impressed, I was so jazzed out about it, but his reaction made me feel stupid and embarrassed. When we moved back to the states, I spray painted it gold. I “toned” it down, maybe he would like it more. I remember sharing it on Instagram and someone posted “I liked it the way it was before”… me too.

Coming back to the now… When I got back here (Jacksonville, FL) a couple of weeks ago, I of course had to do a deep scrub. There was shit everywhere, I couldn’t stand it. So once the weekend was over and Mark & the kids were at school/work, I went to town on as much as I could. Mark came home and I could just read his body language and see that it was a relief to have the house looking normal. This then lead to a big awakening on Mark’s part on what I did as a “house wife”. More like a giant smack in the face. We sat down and had a pretty big heart to heart about how I felt over the years, about how I never lived up to his expectations though I tried relentlessly to impress/make him happy. We brought up moments in the past, at times I remember most being a failure to him, and he let me know his thoughts. He admits that he has only seen things in one way, and even when he would take into consideration my way, he still believed as to what he said outranked anything I did or said.

“Babe, I just can’t do it all.”, was his reaction to not being able to efficiently work/be super awesome dad/clean house/make meals. It reminded of times I said the same thing “Baby, I promise I am trying, but I just can’t do it all”. His reaction was one of defeat, and my prior reactions were of desperation and acceptance.

Unrealistic expectations and lack of communication. Those were the 2 things we came to agree upon in our heart-to-heart. We both admit, that even if we tried talking to each other more in the past, it still would have been hard headedness on both sides. It wasn’t till we were both in the “real world” did we see each others point of view (my “awakening” in another post). The whole “walk in another person’s shoes”.

Being able to talk to him without becoming hysterical is a big deal to me. In the past I would just beg for him to understand, or try to explain how sorry I was and that I’ll do better next time (ha, I start crying NOW as I type this), he would always stare at me emotionless, “well babe…” then rant on, on how I should be more “efficient”. Now I can calmly just lay it out, another moment in realizing that I am grown up, I am my own women, and I DO NOT need to JUSTIFY my actions as a mother/wife/woman. I DO NOT need to beg for acceptance and forgiveness.

In the tidying-up book, she says to only keep things that bring us JOY. I have a shit ton of random pointless figurines in which I have decided to just donate, though evoke a memory, they are not necessarily giving me “joy”. Then I came to my elephant and sat down and was slammed with memories of why I painted over the original artwork, who I was and how I was feeling at that time in my life. This elephant does NOT bring me Joy, but awkwardly enough it brings me strength. Though we do not (should not) live in the past, the past still gives us experience & wisdom to handle our steps forward in life. For that reason I cant let it go.

Weirdly I stroke the top of the elephant “There was no need to conform you into something dull to be accepted.”

You live and learn. I now can feel at peace and thankful for the ups and downs of my life.

“You know what babe? You were such an asshole, but I have to say it brought out the best in me. Now get over yourself because I am not dealing with your shit my friend”

“Don’t think you were such an angel…”

“But still an angel right?” *wink*

Snow Globe

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Got a message from one of my favorite people in the world today.

In which she asked how I was, and as I lay there in bed reading the message, the first answer that came to mind was “Ya know what, I feel like a snow globe. Like some mean vindictive asshole gremlins came up and shook the shit out me. Shaking the snow globe in efforts to use the charms within the snow globe (because ya know, there is snow, and every once in a while you get random shit within the snow globe that pertain to the theme of that globe; hearts, shamrocks. In my case ; Family, trust, strength, love, throw in a bike <— those emotions would be on little circular disks with the emotion engraved in them <— trying to help you visualize) to hit me (because I of course would be a figurine within the snow globe that is glued to the base) and chip away at me. These gremlins just shaking and shaking just hoping the figurine would crack off the base, and then there would be a broken snow globe.

But eventually the snow globe is set down, and the gremlins are just watching with happy grins at havoc within the globe. They have shook the globe so hard, that they cant even see in, there is just shit swirling everywhere… Also its the SLOWEST settling snow globe EVER, like c’mon snowflakes! Fucking SETTLE down already.

Within the snow globe is me. Totally caught off guard like an earth quake. Just cruising along, trying to figure things out, and then the ground starts shaking and shits starts flying EVERYWHERE, and I stand there (within my snow globe, stay with me people on this) totally confused. The snow within the globe is hindering my vision, random fucking charms start flying out of nowhere totally blind siding me against the head. Those damn charms HURT when they hit, like they HURT so damn bad, but they dont chip my figurine, I stand there and just let it all come because I am glued to my foundation, my foundation is what is holding me in place. The super glue that is holding me to the base of that snow globe is strong, and is 30 years in the making. Yeah, I am not going anywhere and just knowing that my foundation is strong gives me the power to just take the madness that is swirling around me.

Now I am still dizzy, because gremlins are shaking the shit out of my life, also the charms still inflict pain every time they bounce off of me, but as things settle and there isnt much force left within the charms, and the snow starts settling and I can see out and notice that (though my own actions may cause a ripple and confusion in my life) there are OUTSIDE forces creating the chaos within.

The gremlins continue looking in on how things are settling, with evil grins, then as the figurine starts coming into to view they realize she is still standing, and apparently no matter how hard they shook, they didnt shake hard enough for the charms to make any lasting damage. Then the snow completely settles and they look directly into the eyes of that figurine and see that there is a mission in those eyes, there is strength, and if she wasnt a figurine and could move her limbs, she would most definitely be flipping them off with a small grin.

In the end those gremlins morph into children, and an adult comes running up and says “that is a collectible snow globe, why in the world were you shaking it so vigorously as if to break it?”, then these kids try to portray some innocence (because they know they are cute, and GREAT actors) “we were just playing with it, isnt that what snow globes are for? Its our favorite snow globe to look at. We promise we were handling it very carefully”, and they look up at the adult with innocent eyes (though kids are vindictive, but are there like those kids you see on the playground and wonder if they even KNOW they are mean little shits), even the adult looks at them with one eyebrow up, skeptical that the children were being innocent.

“Well until you grow up you are not allowed to handle this snow globe. Again, this is a collectible item. Not meant for ‘curious’ children to play with”, the adult then walks away and places the snow globe up high on the shelf. The kids turn and look at each other with “whatever” eyes, shrug, and hold hands while skipping away, with no remorse, only with thoughts “well, we are kids and ALLOWED to do it. Its what we are entitled to. We WERE handling it carefully”, though they know deep down inside they should have never been playing with it in the first place, but tried to justify they only touched the snow globe in efforts to use it for its function.

The figurine in the snow globe sitting up high on the shelf looks down at the kids. Not mad though. No, was totally expected of those children to misuse the snow globe for their own satisfaction of destruction though they thought it was totally justified because they are children and are allowed to act up in such matter. Only thing that hurt were the charms within the snow globe, those stung quite a bit. Children are not to be allowed to play with such delicate toys, they cant comprehend the value of something so precious because they are selfish and ignorant to the fact that they could break something that means the world to someone.

As a child myself I LOVED snow globes. For some reason I always came across old ones. Ones so old that I couldnt just shake it without the ball falling off the base. I would have to carefully hold it upside down and let the snow accumulate at the bottom, then flip it over and watch as the snow slowly came down. Shaking the shit out of it was no fun for me, because you could barely see through and everything was swirling and not ‘falling’ straight down as snow does. Also because I was a fan of the Smurfs and the movie Beetlejuice (and because I had seen and read to many horror stories at such a young age), I totally believed that there were people LIVING within the villages of the snow globe and they would come alive if I misused the globe, then they would escape the globe and cut my throat in the middle of the night, they totally would have been in cohoots with Freddy Krueger who lived under my bed…

So yeah, thats life. The snow and charms within my snow globe represent my emotions and things apart of my life (family), the gremlins/ evil children represent the negative people in which we interact with (coworkers, friends, even family). Though at times, life WILL be upside down, and you will have to deal with the after math (snow falling dow), just know things will eventually settle. This may sound weird, but we have to becareful in who we allow to handle our snow globe. The snow globe DOES have to be used for its function, because it wouldnt be much of a snow globe if it never snowed. But they are called SNOW globes, not blizzard globes.

Make sense? Can you relate?

And yes, I totally know I am “alive” and writing/typing again. I feel good. There was a blizzard in my snow globe, but I feel like I was just ready for it, well mentally tough to handle it, though there were constant curve balls and it still hurt, it didnt break me. Ya know all your life you wondered when you would “grow up”? Like when you would not feel 16-21-24-27-28 years old? Well apparently it was 30 years old for me… but thats a whole different post.

Also, I dont know why but wanted to share this via facebook (instagram). Maybe not blog it… (as you can see I have now placed it within the blog) …Maybe will. Who knows. This is my outlook on how life has been the past 3-4 months. Oh, and why even share? Hell I dont know. Working on being vulnerable, throwing it all out there, its just what I seem to do. This is my story. Not looking for pity or… Not looking for anything but to share. Just let me be that annoying friend on facebook that pisses you off with their stupid outlook on life. But really, I see it as I am sitting down to a cup a coffee with my family & friends. Like we are all at a table, and just listening to each other. Since we cant all be with each other in the same place, this is a close as it gets, and I am ok with that…. Because I am wearing shorts and I really dont want to shave my legs right now.

Effin Kardashians

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“Aaaaannnnddd she’s naked”. My exact words while scrolling through my instagram feed yesterday and coming across @kimkardashian naked (but censored) selfie.

“F&$!ing ‪#‎Kardashians‬ are geniuses”. Honestly right away I looked at the “likes”, that’s where the genius comes in. She knew what the reaction was going to be. She just knew it. I’ll give her some cred for the publicity stunt.

Issue #1, and one I am sure every one who has carried a child ( or some extra weight, it happens) thought of… Her stomach. How old is that baby ‪#‎saintwest‬? Like 2-3 months old? HOW IN THE HELL do you have that flat of a stomach, AND what seems to be some ab definition?

After my out loud comment to my iPhone while looking at her photo, I stupidly tried to zoom in on her photo to find at least one flaw, but for the first time I realize you can’t zoom in on photos on Instagram.

I really didn’t care she was naked. Like, we have all seen her about that naked before right? What I cared about was her stomach.

Oh, cool bathroom? Who cares. Rocking the short blonde hair? Who cares. Her hips… No words. Who cares.

Her stomach. I care. Hell I can train for 2 ‪#‎ironman‬ races within 4 months of each other and couldn’t reach that svelte of a stomach. Kim, honestly who is your plastic surgeon? Would he/she be interested in a pro-Bono case, because I could definitely use a little (a lot) of work on my tummy. Hell, if I get some work done, we could both be naked holding our pinkies together taking a naked selfie in your gorgeous bathroom.

After having 2 kids… Mmm, you won’t be catching me in a scrappy bikini. So Kim’s post, along with the many naked or somewhat naked women that smother instagram make me a tad envious. ‪#‎keepingitreal‬ . Not going to lie about it. Who doesn’t want to pop out a couple of babies and have instant sexy abs?

Issue #2: mad she is setting a bad example to the teenage female world? Well “it doesn’t matter what others are doing. It matters what YOU are doing.”. Let’s take a stand as parents/guardians/friends/teachers/coaches/counselors and be real role models to those around us.

In the end let’s take the HATE out of it, and get me the # to her plastic surgeon.