Its on fire.

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You know that high pitch shriek of help & pain that comes from your child? That noise that makes you jump up off the couch into an athletic position, open your eyes wider (like this will help), and turn on your sonar hearing… Its very animal like, and I guess thats where the “Mama Bear” comes from. Oh and your significant other? He is just sitting there thinking the blood curdling scream came from the Zombie show we are watching, he didn’t even flinch.

That shriek was followed up by my little Mark screaming his ass off into the living room. For some reason I decided to sit back down on the couch, but still at the edge…

“HELP ME! HELP ME! AHHHHHH!! AHHHHH!!!! ITS ON FIRE!!!”
“Mark, whats wrong?! What is on FIRE?!?” (I turn my nose up to the air and sniff… I don’t smell fire)
“MY BUTT ITS ON FIRE!! IT BURNS! ITS ON FIRE!! AHHH!!!!”

Little Mark is standing in the middle of the living room, spinning in circles, while at the same time jumping up & down shaking his body like a fish trying to swim up river, and also doing high knees. Every thing is moving….he looks just like Tina Turner dancing, but instead of it looking bad ass with a glittery dress, it looks like my 7 year old is having an exorcism in front of me.

Now I am sitting there bewildered, I am scared and want to grab him, but then at the same time am confused with the rain dance he is doing in the living room. I turn to husband for help and he has this look of “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HIM?”, and not a “whats wrong with him? Is he ok?”, no its that pissed off look a father gives his son that means “You are crazy! What am I going to do with you?”.

“MY BUTT! MY BUTT! IT HURTS!! HELP!!”
Still doing his Tina Turner exorcism, he now starts grabbing his ass and screaming louder.

By now I am just standing there with my mouth open, for what felt like forever but I know was just about 10 seconds, all of this went through my mind:
1. OMG, he has blown out his ass and has hemorrhoids. Has he been constipated?
2. He fell straight on to a piece of glass and its up his ass… What glass would be broken?
3. He stuck a lego up his ass. Kids do stupid shit right?

Please know I am thinking all of those things with COMPLETE HORROR. OMG baby, whats wrong with his ass?!?! I need to take action. I think if I move quick enough, I could kick him over, sit on him then pull down his shorts and find the lego/hemorrhoids/glass lodged in his ass.

Then it hits me as I flash back to an hour earlier when I caught him tinkering around in my bathroom. I busted through the door “WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?”, totally had to say it in a loud booming voice because whatever he was doing, he shouldn’t doing. Right away he stood up, hid something behind his back, then thought he could walk right by me “Uhhh, nothing.”. “Oh nothing? What are you hiding?!”, “Its nothing mom”. Unfortunately he doesn’t realize my strength and I spin him around and see all he has is a to-go packet of hand sanitizing wipes. “What are you doing with this?!”, “Um, I don’t know”, “What do you mean you don’t know?”, he stands there and shrugs and says “I don’t know”… I roll my eyes, I cant stand the ‘I don’t know’ crap. Not thinking much of it, I let me him leave with the sanitizing wipes only saying “Stay OUT of my bathroom!”

Back to reality, I snap my head to my husband and say “He wiped his ass with a sanitizing wipe.”

Then I stand up and shout at little Mark (who is still screaming), “DID YOU WIPE YOUR BUTT WITH THOSE WIPES?!?”, He now stopped spinning in circles, but is still doing high knees “Yes.”, “WHY??!?!”, “Because they were in the bathroom, IT BURNS!!!!”, “OF COURSE IT BURNS, THEY ARENT MEANT FOR YOUR ASS MARK!!!” … He starts spinning in circles again screaming “AHHHHHHHH!!! Then why were they in the BATHROOM?!!! AHHHHH!!! HELP IT BURNS, ITS ON FIRE!!

Now husband jumps off the couch and decides to join the conversation “Mark, get your ass up stairs and take a bath! NOW!”, “AHHH!! I NEED HELP”… Now big Mark starts to chase little Mark down the hallway, “You can make your own bath!!”, “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”, I dont know now if he is screaming because of his ass or because his dad is chasing him down the hallway.

“BABY!!!” (screaming at husband)
He stops chasing Mark, and snaps around looking at me with a furious face “WHAT?!”
“Why in the hell do you have all those sanitizing wipes up in the bathroom anyways?! Are YOU wiping your ass with sanitizing wipes?!?!”
“Jesus baby, NO! Of course not!”
“Then why are they shelf next to the toilet?!?!”
“I DONT KNOW!!!”
*No, children were harmed. Mark ended up just sitting in the bath tub with his battleships for an hour.*

“I don’t know”, I am sitting here mockingly saying that to myself…. “I don’t know”… Mens typical answer to everything…

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