Ill be honest and say that I don’t like to share these things. Why? Well because of the last card this woman shows “Awkward and uncomfortable”. Hell I can’t even watch Law & Order: SVU anymore, I used to be a fan, but after having children, well I can’t help but have an anxiety attack knowing that something so sick & disturbing could happen to my Mark & Chloe.
Im not one to play the victim, and I don’t even like using the word “play” in this sentence. I do believe that victims of sexual abuse cope in different ways. Some crumble apart as they try to hold on to reality, and others harden with fear & hate and keep those emotions buried deep, not wanting to crack and let what happen destroy their lives.
*Deep breathe* I am the latter. Hide that shit deep. Always refused to let the past play a hold on me today. When I was 16 years old I was raped, by ‘friend’ while another ‘friend’ encouraged him on. I’ll admit I had been drinking, but something was wrong, I could barely walk, I couldn’t stand up, I don’t want to say I was drugged (because I don’t want to give the fuckers the credit for being so cunning) but even then I knew that I had to have given/taken something… I couldn’t help myself, I wasn’t STRONG enough, I felt like I could barely talk, I remember saying over and over “please stop”, I remember crawling away, there were christmas lights lit up on the floor… I just remember looking at the lights, just look at the fucking lights…
Culture has changed (meaning that people are now coming out with sexual abuse, and there is more education out there <— Make sense?), Ive grown as an adult. At the time it happened I thought it was just my fault. Should have been smarter. Shouldn’t have been drinking. I should have been home. Should have… Shouldn’t have… Should have… Shouldn’t have
Though there were many things I “should have” done, they SHOULD NOT have done what they did. It isn’t my fault.
So again, I’ve seen rape & sexual abuse victims fall apart. My story is fucking cotton candy compared to some people. Why I am sharing? This video … Yeah this video, being a warning to single moms to be aware of who they have their kids around, because rapists & pedophiles are sneaky SOB’s.
Also, through the years that fucker and his friend (I don’t want to say boys, men, my rapist) have popped up in my news feed, tagged along with people I went to high school with. I don’t know how many times I have seen them next to the single moms I know, and though I am staring at the computer screen with a dead face, inside I am SCREAMING. Like PIERCING SHRILL scream, and saying “Keep him away from your kids.”. Though ‘they’ might have ‘grown out’ of it…. Yeah I don’t believe you grow out of that shit, and for me to see them AT ALL enrages me.
How I have coped with all of this may or may not be healthy but its what I have had to do. I’ve listened to others stories without sharing my own. Mentally I’ve said to myself while listening to other stories “Man the fuck the up!! You aren’t the only one! Don’t act like the victim! Be STRONGER!”.
Now that isn’t something you say, its just the way that I personally have been able to get through it. Everyone is different. One thing I would never say though it “get over it”.
Last year their was a discussion thread on the women coming out against Bill Cosby. The discussion was something along the lines that if the women should have come out with that information, or if they were lying, I am not sure as to what exactly kicked that thread off but I do remember a friend of mine said “They need to get over it.”.
Internally I lost my complete shit. Get over it? GET OVER IT? Hahahaha, yeah its not that easy. Hell just yesterday I was cleaning under my kids bed and found a string of christmas lights on the floor, they way there were shoved under their bed and having my face smashed into the carpet as I was trying to pull things out from under the bed flashed me back to a very unpleasant night. I pulled the lights out, sat them in front of me and just stared at them for a solid 20 minutes. Though you think you ‘forget’, its scary how something can trigger something and you sit there disturbed. Once I snapped out of it I shoved them into the trash bag I was holding while muttering “motherfuckers…”.
To be STRONGER is my only way to get through anything. My mom has always said “Well you aren’t going to get anywhere in life sitting there crying about it. Get up off your ass and do something about it”. So when it comes to this topic, I am getting off my ass and saying something about it. Im not sure where to go from here, other to say to watch out for your children, you aren’t the only one, and if you need to talk I am here.